how to set boundaries in your Relationships
There’s a lot of talk about the need for boundaries in relationships, but what are they, how do you set them, and what happens when you don’t?
WHAT IS A RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARY?
Imagine a house with a fence around the garden. That fence is the boundary of the property. Ideally you only want people to cross that line with your full consent. People who are friends, who care about you and make you feel safe and happy.
A personal boundary is similar. Just invisible.
It may also be a line you don’t cross for yourself. Setting boundaries is one of the ways you can take care of yourself, but also – and this is important – enjoy life to the full. So while you may be saying No to some things, a boundary can also be a way of saying Yes to something else.
For example saying No to a big night out could also be a big Yes to getting the rest you really need for the demanding day you’ve got tomorrow.
Some boundaries are set in stone. They must be in place to protect your sense of safety, security and self. For example, no physical violence.
Others can be more flexible, depending on how you feel, where you are and who you’re with. And they may change over the years – or hourly. For example, you may not be a drinker during the week, but for your partner’s mid-week birthday celebration, a few glasses of wine would be entirely appropriate.
This is why being able to communicate your boundaries is so important. You can’t expect other people to guess and no one can maintain your boundaries but you.
KNOW WHAT YOU NEED
This can be a tricky one, particularly if you tend to put others’ needs before your own. It’s easy to lose touch with what you need to feel OK when you don’t give it a thought.
The thing is, we all have boundaries whether we consciously set them or not. If you’re not aware of yours, you’re more likely to end up in situations where you feel uncomfortable, compromised, neglected or unappreciated.
THE BENEFITS OF RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES
When you’re clear about your limits, life in general becomes much less stressful. You’re less likely to get angry or frustrated and you’ll be taking much better care of yourself – and also of your relationship.
You may meet some resistance when you set a boundary, but when someone feels challenged by you setting a boundary, chances are they were also benefitting from its absence. Not everyone is able to receive a No… but if you can’t say No to people, then your Yes becomes a very shaky concept.
If they can’t rely on you to say No when you need to, then can they really believe your Yes? Having boundaries allows others to trust you, as well as making it easier for you to trust yourself.
HOW TO SET relationship BOUNDARIES
It can help to focus on the different areas of your life separately…
Take a look at the questions below. They’ll help you get clearer and they’re also a great starting point for a conversation with a new or even existing partner.
The aim is to find out what you need from each other and how you can support each other in maintaining your boundaries and using them to shape a relationship that fulfils both of you.
These are important conversations and you may rub up against some long-held beliefs, some weird assumptions and maybe a few challenging emotions. But focusing on what really matters for you and sharing that information with a significant other can bring you closer.
Equally, if there are any deal breakers, it’s important to know about them.
Ready to start exploring?
PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES IN RELATIONSHIPS
How much personal space feels right for you? Does it vary?
Do you need time out on your own? This is particularly common for introverts!
How do you feel about public displays of affection – handholding, kissing etc?
How much sleep do you need?
What do you need when you’re tired? And what can’t you tolerate?
How much exercise do you need and want?
What kind of food and drink do you need to feel healthy?
What do you need at the end of the working day?
How do you want your living space to be?
FAMILY BOUNDARIES
How often do you need to see your family? Do you have any family responsibilities or obligations?
Are there any subjects that are off limits with them?
How close do you need to be with family members – geographically and emotionally?
How involved do you want a partner to be with your family?
Do you have any challenging emotions around your family that need to be accommodated?
If there’s conflict within your family, how much or little do you want your partner to engage with it?
FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES
How often do you need to see your friends?
Do you need to spend time alone with your friends?
When you’re talking with friends, how much information are you prepared to share about your relationship?
How do you feel about friends staying over? And for how long?
Do any of your partner’s friends make you feel uncomfortable?
FINANCIAL BOUNDARIES
What are your financial goals this month/this year/for the next five years? And how do those goals need to be supported?
What’s the maximum amount to spend on gifts/holidays/going out/a car?
Do you need financial independence? If so, how much? What about a joint bank account?
Are you happy to support a partner financially?
Are you OK with them supporting you?
How do you feel about debt – and are you prepared to take on your partner’s if they have it?
How do you feel about either of you being given money by family?
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES
How do you want to deal with difficult conversations?
If you’re feeling upset, what kind of support do you need – and what won’t work for you?
What’s the right amount of honesty? Are white lies OK?
What do you need when you’re stressed? And what can’t you tolerate?
What does your partner need to do or say for you to know that you’re appreciated/loved/respected?
SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
What needs to happen for you to feel turned on?
Are there any parts of your body that you don’t want touched?
Are there any sexual acts you will never do?
Are there any sexual acts that you’re curious about and would be willing to try?
When don’t you want to be physically intimate?
How much do you want to know about your partner’s sexual history?
How much are you prepared to share about your own sexual history?
Is there any sexual situation that makes you feel vulnerable or unsafe?
If you’ve suffered any kind of sexual trauma, what’s off limits or needed from your partner to ensure you feel safe?