Five ways to beat shame

The emotion behind anger, violence, aggression, depression, addiction and even suicide, shame takes no prisoners.

It’s the persistent voice in your head that tells you (wrongly) that you’re not enough – not good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough, successful enough.

It says: You’re falling short. It suggests you’re a failure, unlovable or a loser.

In short, shame poisons us against ourselves. It makes us want to hide our damaged, unworthy selves away. And, in doing so, it can derail careers and relationships, as well as eroding our motivation, peace of mind and sense of wellbeing.

The road out of shame can be a long and bumpy one. It challenges you deeply to address all the beliefs about yourself that have stacked up over the years. It asks you to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, even though you think you don’t deserve that kind of treatment.

But there is a way through. Here’s how to start that journey…

1. RECOGNISE THAT YOU’VE GOT SHAME GOING ON

Shame has been described as feeling powerless, frozen or defeated, but it has physical sensations associated with it too. These include an uncomfortable heat in the body, a churning stomach, or a tightness in the chest.

At a primal level, it’s the fear of being cast out from the tribe, unloved, and no longer belonging. That cuts deep.

For this reason, sometimes we can’t even admit to ourselves that we’re ashamed, making it a difficult emotion to identify. Taking time to dig into what’s going on for you will help you identify shame if it’s lurking.

2. UNDERSTAND WHERE YOUR SHAME CAME FROM

Naming your own particular shame is a big step towards overcoming it.

Shame is often learnt when we’re young. It’s frequently (and usually unintentionally) prompted by a parent who appears to disconnect from us and discount our emotions. This rejection gets internalised along with the assumption that it’s because we’re fundamentally bad or wrong.

Once we’ve learned shame, it can be triggered again. Particularly if someone makes a comment about something we’re already sensitive about, for example a particular weakness or fear.

Shame can also come from a ‘cultural parent’ – the expectations placed on us by race, religion or gender to name just three.

What we like in bed, who we love, the work we do, or how we live our lives can all be sources of shame if they conflict with what society, friends or family deem appropriate or successful.

3. TALK ABOUT IT

Shame and silence often go hand in hand. That’s what makes it so isolating and painful.

If we’re ashamed of ourselves, keeping it hidden often feels easier and safer. It’s a secret that’s shameful even to admit to. But this layering of shame on shame only digs us deeper into our hole.

Talking about shame takes courage.

Choose someone you trust, being mindful that friends and family, while safe and reliable, may bring their own bias to the conversation. They may also lack the resources to support you fully. A coach, counsellor or therapist may be your best bet.

But remember, when you let shame out into the open, you will survive. And ultimately, you’ll be stronger for it too.

The truth is everyone carries shame to varying degrees – and experiencing empathy and understanding from others can bring powerful healing.

4. SEPARATE WHO YOU ARE FROM WHAT YOU DO

Guilt is often confused with shame, but it’s very different. Guilt is about doing something wrong. It’s a normal, healthy response to screwing up.

Shame is based on the belief that you are bad or wrong. It’s more tightly wound around your identity and sense of self.

But you are not your behaviour. You’re more than that. It’s just that shame won’t let you see it.

The story shame will tell you is that this one action is just further proof that you’re no good.

Learning that this is not the case and recognising that we all mess up is fundamental to regaining a healthy perspective.

5. BE KIND TO YOURSELF

The deeper the shame goes, the longer it can take to unpick. So be patient and compassionate with yourself. This may take a while.

You can’t bully shame into submission. Shedding the feeling involves giving yourself the ongoing and consistent reassurance that YOU ARE OK – and embracing all that you are.

Because we often learn shame when we’re very young, it can make us feel incredibly vulnerable, so be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a child.

Seek out support and cut yourself some slack. This is big work – but it’s vital for your future health and happiness, and potentially life changing.