How to support a partner when you’re stressed

Your partner really needs to talk, but you’re at the end of your tether. You’ve got things on your mind, you’re tired, and you may actually need support yourself. So what happens next?

If you try to step up to the breach, the outcome is unlikely to be a win-win.

Your partner may get to offload, but you feel dumped on, angry, resentful or just more exhausted.

Or you’re not able to be truly present or listen properly to what they’re saying. You fail in providing the real emotional engagement that the situation requires.  

And you don’t get any support either because, in your valiant attempt to look after your partner, you never said you needed to talk too. 

This blog post is about creating a different scenario.

But first, a bit of background…

What does stress make it harder to have a conversation?

Stress has a big impact on how effectively our brain function. If it starts running the show, it makes it much more difficult to hear, understand and remember information.

According to stress.org.uk, we’re normally able to process an average of seven messages at a time. When we’re stressed, this falls to three. It means we’re likely to miss vital info in a conversation. We’re also probably only going to remember the first and/or last thing that was said.

Due to its impact on the body, stress also makes it’s much harder (or even impossible) to connect with other people. You might have noticed that stressed people get snappy, impatient or withdrawn. Well, that’s why.

This is not a great place to start an important conversation – but there is an alternative…

Don’t have the conversation (right now)

Take control of the situation

If you know you’re not in a good place to speak, give yourself some breathing space.

Arrange a time and place to speak later. This could be five minutes or five hours later – whatever you need to recoup the energy that will make that conversation possible and, even better, positive and productive.

This may seem like an obvious solution, but I’ve spoken to so many clients who’ve been operating under the misguided belief that they must do exactly what others expect of them. Immediately.

They’ve believed their needs are not important or less important than those of their loved ones. Or that their emotions are self-indulgent. Some just didn’t realise they had a choice in the matter.

But drawing on the metaphor of putting your own oxygen mask on first, you’ll bring far more to the conversation if you’re in a stronger place. And you’ll feel more empowered.

Loving someone else doesn’t mean abandoning yourself. However, when your partner is in full flood, boundaries like these can be hard to set. Not responding immediately can feel selfish or tantamount to failure.

But the point is, you’re doing it out of love for them AND yourself. It’s the kindest thing you can do for the both of you in that moment. So let your words convey that and tell the truth.

Here are some examples of what you might say, but of course you’d put them in your own words. Your aim is to show that you’re aware that the other person needs your attention and that this is important to you.

‘I can really hear how upset/angry/confused you are. I want to be able to listen and support you, but I just don’t have the energy/capacity/strength to do that properly at the moment.

‘Let me have some food/get some air/go to the gym/take five etc. Then I’m all yours.’

You’re not saying I don’t want to talk. You’re saying I don’t want to talk now. That’s a big difference.

It’s important to acknowledge your partner’s emotions so they feel heard and be very clear about when that conversation will happen (and commit to that). But also be decisive about the boundary you’re setting for yourself. You’re offering the very best you can in the circumstances. Maintaining that space for you in the relationship is essential or you’ll feel short-changed.

So you might also like to add something along the lines of: ‘I’d really like to tell you what’s going on for me right now too. Is that OK?’ Because consent is important.

The idea is to create a space that will support you both.

This will give you the best possible chance of stepping up in the way you want to for your partner. And having an opportunity to share what’s going on for you too.