How to deal with loneliness in a relationship
Loneliness is not the same as being alone.
Have you ever been lying beside someone in bed and felt a gulf between you the size of the Grand Canyon?
Have you been in a relationship where every conversation becomes a dead end of misunderstandings and arguments?
Have you really needed to talk, but been afraid to trust your partner with what’s going on in your head?
If the answer’s yes to any of those, then you know loneliness. And you know it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with being in an empty room. (Although for some people, being without others around them is loneliness in a nutshell.)
Why do we feel lonely in a relationship?
There can be different reasons…
The relationship has deteriorated, and it feels like you and your partner have drifted apart.
You’ve got into a routine that doesn’t satisfy you emotionally/intellectually/sexually.
You have fundamental needs that aren’t being met.
You need support that they’re not providing.
You feel like you’re not being listened to – or really heard.
You’re lacking quality time together.
Your partner has broken your trust, for example had an affair.
There’s a big disconnect in your beliefs or values.
You’re in need of more physical intimacy.
There’s an absence of real emotional sharing so you don’t feel a part of your partner’s life or really know them on a personal level.
Your partner doesn’t feel present or interested in you or your life.
All of these can create a sense of loneliness.
Or it may be that the loneliness began before you even met your partner, and you hoped that being in a relationship would fill the emptiness. But it isn’t. And perhaps other relationships didn’t either.
Your mental health can also have a big impact on how connected you’re able to feel with someone. Both depression and anxiety can take their toll on emotional intimacy and create feelings of isolation. Visit the Mind website to find out more.
Connection is the antidote
As human beings, we need connection with others that involves more than proximity. True connection means feeling understood, listened to and supported – and being able to reciprocate that.
If a relationship can’t take us beyond surface-level conversations or emotionally distant sex, it won’t touch the sides of what we truly need and maybe even crave.
How to reconnect with your partner
Have a good think about what’s really going on. Sit down quietly with yourself, be honest and get clear. How is the situation affecting you? How does it make you feel? What do you need? Have you played any part in creating this situation? Is there anything you’ve not shared with your partner that would have been good for them to know? What are you willing to do to improve the situation?
Choose your moment to talk. When are you both most relaxed and able to chat? Don’t spring this kind of conversation on your partner at the end of a long working day for example.
Talk from the heart – the thoughts and feelings that came up during the first step of this process. Before you speak, take a moment to think about the love you feel for your partner and let that be present within you for this conversation. Be kind, patient, compassionate, honest. And if your intention is to improve the relationship and get closer and feel more connected, then say that.
All this can be hard when you’re hurting or feeling rejected, abandoned, scared or lonely. Breathe deeply and keep breathing. It slows things down and gives you more headspace to think rather than being reactive or getting angry or upset. You’ll be better able to stay in control.
Avoid blaming or judging. No finger pointing or ‘When you did this…’ Just share how you’re feeling and what’s important to you. And invite the same from them.
Don’t make assumptions about what the other person is feeling or wanting. Let them tell you. What’s their version of the situation? Do they want to make things better too?
And be patient…
This may be the first of a number of conversations. Don’t expect to resolve everything in one sitting. Some processing time might well be good for both of you and you may need time to re-evaluate your situation.
There’s no denying that this is a tough conversation, but bear in mind that if you’re feeling lonely, your partner might well be too. Which means there’s a good chance talking will open the door to something better.