the art of anger management
It can be loud and aggressive or silent and murderous and sometimes we don’t even realise we’re feeling it, but anger is an emotion that touches all of us.
And perhaps one of these angry modus operandi is particularly familiar to you...
The ‘No Control’ anger: just pure, immediate reaction, lashing out verbally or even physically.
Self-destructive: when the feeling gets turned inwards on yourself.
Misplaced: the anger that comes out sideways and may well be directed at completely the wrong person or situation.
The ‘Don’t Do Anger’ anger: it’s not part of your emotional vocabulary.
The ‘Won’t Go There’ anger: because it makes you feel out of control.
Unresolved: sits under the surface most of the time, and flares up at the slightest provocation.
However it manifests, anger remains a complicated and often-challenging companion and we never get taught to understand it – or ourselves.
To rage or not to rage
We start learning about anger from the role models in our lives – usually parents – who show us whether it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’, depending how they do it and how they respond to you getting angry as a child. Then, as adults, we go it alone, trying to make the best of what is often seen as a bad thing.
Why do we get angry?
There are many reasons why anger can creep (or leap) up on us. Here are just a few of them…
It’s the most accessible (and acceptable) emotion
When feelings such as fear, sadness or anxiety are routinely dismissed or you’re told or get the message that they’re unacceptable, anger can be the only available alternative. It’s a way of defending ourselves against the source of the more challenging emotions that lie underneath.
For men in particular, anger, while not exactly celebrated, is accepted more readily than vulnerability. But it’s usually hiding a different emotion…
Anger as a front for fear
Parents get angry with a child for running off, but what’s really playing out is a fear that their child will be lost or injured. In adult life, we may get angry with a partner for spending too much time with someone else – anger that stems from the fear that our relationship is under threat.
Anger in response to a violation of boundaries
When someone crosses a line that we feel is very important, it makes us angry. They have done something fundamentally unacceptable to us.
For example, you may feel disrespected by the way someone behaves or they may act in a way that goes against your sense of fairness and equality. These are deep-rooted values and when someone tramples over them, it makes us angry.
Unresolved anger from the past
Rage can simmer – for decades. And until we look at it, understand the situation that caused it, and process it, it won’t go away.
Festering anger is corrosive. It robs us of energy and focuses the mind in a negative, destructive, unhealthy direction. It can also be triggered by a relatively minor, seemingly unrelated incident. This opens the door to a huge amount of unresolved feelings which then flood out, often to the surprise of those around us.
Take responsibility for your stuff
Blaming someone else for ‘making us angry’ is the easy path.
By seeing ourselves as the victim, we avoid taking responsibility or doing any challenging self-examination – but the fact is, anger is a mirror to our issues, our fears, our insecurities, our ‘stuff’.
With that in mind, anger is an incredible teacher. Obviously when you’re in the middle of a deep fume, this is the last thing you want to hear, but it’s the truth. What lights the fiercest fires carries the most important messages about who we are and what we need to be happy.
five tips for anger management
Notice when you’re starting to get wound up and take a step back from the situation, giving yourself a time out before you react. This could mean leaving the room or simply taking a big deep breath.
Give pent-up feelings expression by running them out at the gym or giving them a focus through a martial art.
I can personally vouch for the merits of tennis rackets, cricket bats etc hit hard against a mattress or cushion as a constructive alternative to punching walls – or people.
Deep breathing that calms the body can also help transform the anger, allowing the emotion behind it to emerge gently. Breath puts you back in control and in connection with yourself. Meditation and relaxation techniques are worth a try too.
Get to the bottom of it. While we all get angry from time to time, frequent, irrational or violent bouts of rage need to be addressed – for your own health and wellbeing. Write about your feelings or talk to an expert can help you work out what’s really going on.
The dark clouds with a silver lining
Channelled positively, anger can be transformed into a force to be reckoned with. As a response to violence, injustice or the violation of our fundamental rights or those of others, it’s a powerful agent of change; motivating and inspiring courageous actions and world-altering initiatives.
Equally, the anger that fires up when our loved ones are at risk means we’ll find the reserves we need to protect them.
And above all, anger is a sign that we’re alive and kicking, with a fire in the belly and passion and energy that’s ripe and ready to make an impact. By listening to the story that accompanies your anger, you can make that impact a great one.