Five ways to be a better listener
As one half of the communication mix, being a good listener is the glue that starts a relationship strong – and holds it together, be it romantic or otherwise.
It can seem rather a passive role and can be dismissed for slowing things down or not being dynamic enough. But when it’s done consciously, listening is very active and an incredibly powerful skill to master.
Being a good listener enables you to:
find out what someone else really thinks, wants, needs and feels
build trust
gain a different perspective
solve problems faster
avoid costly misunderstandings
create a stronger, deeper, more fulfilling connection
give someone a gift that many others don’t
And on a personal level, practising the art of listening can make you more tolerant, patient, and generally someone who other people want to hang out with.
6 ways to improve your listening skills
1. Focus
Being a good listener and multi-tasking do not go hand in hand. Stop what you’re doing, put the mobile to one side and focus on the person talking to you, maintaining gentle eye contact.
Taking a few slow, deep breaths is often helpful. The calmer and more grounded you are, the more available you’ll be for them emotionally. The other person is likely to pick up on that calmness subconsciously too, which will help them relax and feel safer to share.
And if now is not a good time to talk – if you’re distracted or you’ve got things you need to do – then arrange to speak later when you are able to concentrate.
2. Listen to understand – not to reply
The minute we start planning what we’re going to say in response, or we interrupt or even jump in to finish someone’s sentence, we’ve stopped listening to what’s being said.
In the busyness of life, we tend to go on the gist of things and base our responses on that. Good listeners do something different… They tune in and get the full broadcast.
3. Resist the urge to chip in
It’s natural for possible solutions to pop into your mind as you listen – we’re natural problem solvers. Put them to one side. There’ll be time for that later, if the other person wants that kind of input. They may just want to feel heard, seen and understood. All of those are super-powerful. Listening in itself can be the end game.
4. Ask questions
Not everything you hear will be clear and comprehensible, so asking questions is a part of the good listener repertoire.
However, interrupting someone’s flow can be jarring, particularly if they’re pouring their heart out to you. Gently phrased questions are less likely to frustrate. For example: “Can I check what you mean by xxxxx?” or “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’ve just said. Can you repeat it so I’m clear?”
It’s also worth bearing in mind that people use words differently, and attribute different meanings to them. For example, if someone’s talking about respect, what that means to them may be different to your understanding of what respect looks like in action. It’s worth checking: If they were being respected, what would be happening? How would they be being treated?
5. Repeat what you’ve heard
To ensure you’ve not misunderstood anything, it can be helpful to repeat back some or all of what’s just been said. Like a mirror, you’re simply reflecting what you’ve been told.
This gives the other person a more objective perspective on what they’ve shared, which can help them gain clarity too. It also tells them that you’re really listening.
For example, you might ask: “Just to make sure I really understand what you mean, I heard you say that xxxxx. Is that right?”
It can feel weird and a bit clunky the first time you try this, so it can be helpful to explain to your partner that you’d like to try it before you do. But do give it a go. It can be massively enlightening.
6. Respect their way of seeing things
There’s a lot of respect bound up in being a good listener – in particular around accepting the other person’s experience rather than judging it. Your aim is to understand how they see the situation – and it may well be different from your perspective.
Honouring their viewpoint requires you to accept that this is how life is – for them.
What you hear may be something that seems trivial or easily solved. However, that’s your interpretation based on a host of different factors, including your specific life experiences, skills and abilities.
For example, if they say something feels difficult, that’s their truth. Trust them and start from there. To do anything else is to dismiss what they’re saying. You may also come across as not believing them and that creates the opposite of connection.